A Loss of Innocence

 I'm back in Nyala now and back to work. There is always lots to do and to keep me busy these days. We are very shot staffed in Nyala for various reasons which seems to add a lot more pressure to the job. But after work when I find some down time I like to do some light reading. Right now I'm reading a book called 'A Bed for the Night-Humanitaianism in Crisis' by David Rieff. Ok maybe it's not light readin but it's on the recommended reading list for a course that I am taking in June. There are a lot of really good thoughts in this book and none of them yet have been encouraging but they have been eye opening.

I have really struggled with having compassion for the general population here in Sudan. It really hasn't made sense to me why I feel this way. People are suffering so much here and it seems like for such a futile cause. In Ethiopia I saw poverty like I never thought was possible. I saw people at the mercy of the weather and the elements that surround them. If one thing in this careful balance they called survival was thrown off their world collapsed and they fell into a crisis. In Mozambique I saw people suffer from HIV/AIDS. It seems to infect every community. Everyone's survival was comprimised by one preventable disease that infected 30% of the population. Seeing this suffering brought me to my knees and filled me with a compassion beyond my own and made me really want to see change and to help how I could. Here in Darfur I see village after village abandoned and burned and people forced into dire circumstances because they seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hear of women being raped and children being killed and yes it does effect me but I am having a hard time seeing that same compassion in me. I have hear that relief workers have a tendancy to be the most cynical hardened people around. Yet that doesn't make sense. It takes a soft heart and some hope to do this kind of work - why do we end up cynical and hardened?

I think I am understanding a bit more as to why that can happen. Here in Darfur I have realized why I feel less compassion for the innocent victims of this crisis than I did in Ethiopia or Mozambique. It's because it is really hard here to find an innocent victim. Even as families run from their burning village with only their lives they are not necessarily the innocent ones in this crisis. Next week or next month they may be assisting in burning the next village over. They may not be the ones pointing the gun at the moment but they probably were the one holding a gun six months ago. Really the only innocent victims are the children. But only the ones that are not old enough to hold a gun. There is a war within a war within a war happening here and I'm really not too sure who the real enemy is and who the victims are. So realizing this and seeing the self inflicted wounds that come from years of fighting tends to take the compassion out of the situation. Who do you have compassion on? Don't get me wrong, I still want to see the suffering end and I will continue to do what little I can to see this happen or at least relieve it a bit, but I feel the cynicism setting in. So my prayer today is for my heart to stay soft. To continue to see people as people loved by God and that He made bigger sacrifices to see their suffering end than I ever could. 

From the Freezer to the Sauna

Well I have now been to Canada for a great three week visit and now I am back in Sudan. The biggest thing that I was looking forward to was being warm again. It was around -10 or somedays below majority of the time I was home. As I continued to shiver in the planes and airports on the way back I just kept holding on to the fact that in Sudan - once again I will be warm. It's great to be wearing flip flops again and still be able to feel my toes. My reflection of my time at home was that it was a great trip. I was really busy and had very few down days but it was mainly a lot of fun. Let me try and sumarize a bit.

The fist weekend I was home my four favorite friends and I went out to the mountains for a night away. With my one friend's wedding coming up it was a great excuse to get away and celebrate all the love in the air. So we spent the day at a great spa in Canmore and then headed out to the hot springs in Banff to do a little soaking. Then back to Canmore for a great meal and then retired to pj's and wine at a friend's house. Our friend's run a Bed & Breakfast and they were out of town so we had the whole place to ourselves. This was a good thing because we sure made a lot of noise until the wee hours in the morning. It was a very needed girls night out. It seems like we have all gone through our share of good and bad life changing events in the last year so it was so good to talk them out with our favorite friends and of course it is all done with a lot of laughter and a few tears. It will be a weekend that we will all treasure and hold on to until it can happen again.

My weeks were full of shopping, one on one time with my friends and then all the appointments to get my body up and running again after months of neglect. It seemed like I was always busy doing something. Then my dear Leah got married so there were bridal showers, bachelorette parties, rehersal dinners and of course the big day. It was so much to be a part of all of this. I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of this life changing day of her life and even though I had to stand outside for three hours in a strapless dress in freezing weather, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It was a beautiful day with filled with lots of love and laughter. I have never seen a wedding where everyone was so relaxed and personal. Maybe because it was a small wedding but I think it was a reflection of Leah and Ben. They were able to take a ceremony that is often full of stress, tension, expectations and disappointements and turned it into a day that really celebrated marriage and the beauty of two lives coming together. It was so cold yet so wonderful. I don't think anyone that was involved will forget it anytime soon - it could be due to the frost bite but I think it was more the fabulous day that it was.

Of course the other highlight of my visit home was my nieces. They amaze me with the little people that they are becoming. I love how children love so easily. Even though I have not seen them since February and I was only staying for a couple of weeks they loved on me with all that they had. It was great to see little Jessica and spoil her by never putting her down when I was around. The best thing about babies are their smell. So I tried to take in deep breathes of Jessica and I hope it will keep me going until I see her again. Mandy is starting to say her first understandable words and it was so great to see the dramatic facial expressions that she displays as she tries to communicate. Maybe next time I see her she will be able to say my name. Katie is just cute - there are very few things that she does that aren't heart melting. Antie Angie still needs an interpretor for the many stories that she likes to tell. But I have been invited to her birthday party next year so I will have to put that event on my calender to make sure I can be there.

I was also able to take in a couple of concerts while I was home. Leah bought me tickets to James Blunt concert which was a blast. The thing that amazed me the most was that Leah and I are not the only ones that know all the words to his songs. The Saddle Dome was packed with people that sang along. I also got to go on a hot date with my dad. We went to the International Guitar Night. A very different concert from the James Blunt one but just as enjoyable. Four guys played their accoustic guitars and made sounds come out of their guitars that will continue to confuse me.

So no more long talks with great friends by the fire, no lazy mornings watching the snow fall wondering if I'm going to go out in the cold, and no more great mom hugs - it's back to work. But at the same time I feel like I am coming home. Maybe not Sudan specifically but odly enough I often feel more at home in Africa than in Canada. There is a comfort and a peace that I feel when I am here. I know that this is where my heart is satisfied - even among the budgets, ledgers and stresses that this all brings. And most of all .... I am warm again