Finally Home

I have finally arrived in Darfur. It really feels like I have come. It's a very strange and comforting feeling - especially because this home feeling only comes in a crazy place like Darfur. Here is something that I wrote along the way - more out of frustration than anything.

"I used to love airplanes and airports but the more I fly the more I dread the trips. Hauling luggage, standing in lines and the hours you spend waiting really takes it's toll. The flights to Khartoum were not so bad this time around. I even got upgraded to business class from Frankfurt to Khartoum. I had to get the guy next to me to show me how to work the seats because I'm used to the one button to recline the seat not the 8 buttons that do all fancy things with the seats in business class. But the flight from Khartoum to Nyala is a whole different story. I was told to be at the airport at 4am for my flight. This was not a big deal since I am up at 2 or 3 in the morning anyway due to jet lag. So I get to the airport and it is raining which menas that instead of waiting outside the building until I can check in we all cram into this waiting areas a nd hope that you can hear when you are allowed to go through the first security check and onto the check-in counter. Finally after 1 1/2 hours I heard something about Nova which is the airline that I am flying on. So I grab my computer, my shoulder bag, my guitar, my huge suitcase ad my smaller suitcase and push my way through the crowd. Sometimes the airport staff take pity on the Kawadja (foreign) women and assist them through the mobs. So one guy grabs my small suitcase and tells me to follow him. So with my two bags, guitar and remaining large suitcase I try to push my way through. For those of you enjoying the Calgary Stampede thing of the throngs of people you have to get through then add on more luggage you can handle and try to make it through. It's not an easy task. So I make it to the x-ray machine and some more nice guys throw my stuff on the belt and I rush around the other side to catch it all before it gets thrown onto the huge pile of bags on the other side. I collect all my things and try to fight my way to the check in counter which always seems to be ther farthest one away.

It doesn't rain very often in Khartoum so the roofs are very rairly sealed which means that there is water dripping from the foor collecting in puddles everywhere on the floor. In most modern buildings in Sudan the floors are tiled with nice smooth marble or something similar which makes them very easy to clean. But it also makes them very slippery when there are puddles of water everywhere. So people are slipping and sliding as they they try to fight the crowds and step over boxes, bags and suitcases trying to get from point A to B. I finally pay the airport tax and get into the mob that is my check in counter. There are no lines or ques here in Sudan. It is every man for themselves and who ever ca get their ticket to the check-in guy first is next in line. So I leave my big bags in a puddle behind me and do the push and shove to get my ticket up front. Finally one guy takes pity on the only Kawadja woman in the midst of all the pushy Sudanese men and puts my ticket in the front of the line. So I thanks him then push my way out of the outstretched arms holding tickets to gather my luggage and lift it over the rest of the luggage waiting to be checked in and on to the scale. Finally I am rid of all that stuff for another couple of hours. One new thing at the airport sice the last time I had been through is that they changed the location of the hand luggage screening and routine pat down that is awlays a pleasure to go through. But someone wasn't thinking becuase the line to go through this security check snakes it's way through the same space where the big pile of luggage is from the initial security screening as well as the mobs that are trying to check in. So a little more pushing, shoving and bumping and I'm through. 2 hours and twenty minutes later I am finaly sitting in the waiting area watching, waiting and again hoping that I can hear when my flight is called. Oh Sudan, oh how I have missed you."

Well I made it all the way through to Nyala with all my luggage and a little bit of my sanity left. It is so sweet to be home. I really have missed this place. It has felt like I have come home. Back to my room and my wonderful bed on the floor. I always sleep so well here so it's good to be sleeping well again. Even though it has only been two months and things in Sudan are slow to change, at the same time so much has changed. There are new international and national staff that I'm getting to know, my little puppy grew into a dog while I was gone, and many of my friends that were here before have all moved on. But some things like insecurity have not changed. We had another vehicle stolen yesterday in the field but they got it stuck in the mud so they covered it with mud and abandoned it. So we did get it back which is very good and a little humorous. When you steal something make sure you have the ability to get it out of the area. It was found only 5 mins from where they stole it.

So there are still a lot of challenges ahead of me and trying to move from finances to education is one of them. But I welcome it all becuase without challenges in life we would never grow and it would just be plain borring

Reflections

So it’s back to Sudan I go. I’m actually writing this on the flight from Toronto to Frankfurt and just felt a little inspired. I have been thinking a bit about the last couple of months away from the dust, the stress and the war zone that I am about to enter back into. It really has been a great couple of months that I don’t think I enjoyed as much as I should have. My first month at home was a hard adjustment. Going from one extreme to another is harder than I like to admit it is. Calgary is this booming city where there is more money than people know what to do with and where life consists of how many toys you can obtain and how you can somehow fulfill your personal goals and aspirations. I have learned how to appreciate this and realize that the options and opportunities that are given to us are not something to be diminished but rather to recognize as a blessing. However, to enter a world of wealth – not just material wealth, from a country that is suffering and is really just making it from day to day. People have challenged me in Sudan in that they suffer themselves but consistently recognize that they are not the only ones going through this trial and try to reach out to those around them and offer themselves unselfishly. I think this is more of a reflection of humans in the midst of suffering more than just Sudanese in the midst of war. But none the less, it is a very different way of thinking and a hard adjustment to see that both situational circumstances of wealth and lack are blessings and have to be accepted and welcomed into our lives.

So in the midst of the suffering I found a wealth of friends, purpose, community and peace. As I returned to the rich Canadian environment I found isolation, boredom, pettiness (in myself), and a huge frustration. But really all it took was a little adjustment. I would like to think that moving from one place to another is easy but once again I realize that I’m not superwoman and I do struggle with things. I feel bad for my family and friends that had to deal with all of this but they did great and I loved every minute that I had with them even if I was grumpy and moody.

Then it was off to New York for what I can say was the best month of my life. It was so great to use all the lingo and acronyms that come out of my month and have people know them or at least have an interest in this humanitarian language that I am using. Then I sat in class for ten hours a day discussing information that I crave that filled a part of my heart that has been craving this kind of feeding. But after a day of discussing humanitarian law, child soldiers, the UN or other uplifting topics such as torture we reflected on our days in a local pub or Thai restaurant. Friendships that are formed in a bubble that deals with these kind of topics happen quickly and are richer than words can express. Weekends were spent trying to take in all the NY sights and the exorbitant entertainment that only a city that doesn’t sleep can offer. Sleep was a rare event but an overload of passion and fun was easy to find.

To see that time end was hard. I have learned to my detriment that I can somehow distance myself well enough that goodbye’s are fairly easy to do. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that if I care too much I’m not too sure what to do. But I think it all came back to bite me. Yesterday was a day to cry. I don’t usually get over emotional about things – at least I like to think that I don’t. But for some reason yesterday I woke up and the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. It took me off guard and I’m not too sure what to do with it all. I think it’s a combination of a whole lot. The end of New York, friendship issues that feel unfinished in Calgary, seeing another year of my precious nieces lives pass me by, some personal medical issues left hanging, uncertainty of the crazy life in Darfur ahead of me, the constant question of ‘what the heck am I doing’ in my mind as I head back and the pressure of the big ‘30’ coming up and feeling like I should have more to show for my life are some of the things that seemed so overwhelming yesterday. So I cried, and cried, and cried.

So as I sit here on the plane and reflect I realize the extremes that I have gone through in the last couple of months. They have all had their purpose and I feel richer for have experienced them all. But it’s back to life and all the work that awaits me. It will be great to get back to what I think is normal. I miss my room, my staff, my friends and all the adventures that await me. I wish I could have loved every minute back in Canada a bit more but I know that the time I did soak up will keep me going until the next time.