Reflections

So it’s back to Sudan I go. I’m actually writing this on the flight from Toronto to Frankfurt and just felt a little inspired. I have been thinking a bit about the last couple of months away from the dust, the stress and the war zone that I am about to enter back into. It really has been a great couple of months that I don’t think I enjoyed as much as I should have. My first month at home was a hard adjustment. Going from one extreme to another is harder than I like to admit it is. Calgary is this booming city where there is more money than people know what to do with and where life consists of how many toys you can obtain and how you can somehow fulfill your personal goals and aspirations. I have learned how to appreciate this and realize that the options and opportunities that are given to us are not something to be diminished but rather to recognize as a blessing. However, to enter a world of wealth – not just material wealth, from a country that is suffering and is really just making it from day to day. People have challenged me in Sudan in that they suffer themselves but consistently recognize that they are not the only ones going through this trial and try to reach out to those around them and offer themselves unselfishly. I think this is more of a reflection of humans in the midst of suffering more than just Sudanese in the midst of war. But none the less, it is a very different way of thinking and a hard adjustment to see that both situational circumstances of wealth and lack are blessings and have to be accepted and welcomed into our lives.

So in the midst of the suffering I found a wealth of friends, purpose, community and peace. As I returned to the rich Canadian environment I found isolation, boredom, pettiness (in myself), and a huge frustration. But really all it took was a little adjustment. I would like to think that moving from one place to another is easy but once again I realize that I’m not superwoman and I do struggle with things. I feel bad for my family and friends that had to deal with all of this but they did great and I loved every minute that I had with them even if I was grumpy and moody.

Then it was off to New York for what I can say was the best month of my life. It was so great to use all the lingo and acronyms that come out of my month and have people know them or at least have an interest in this humanitarian language that I am using. Then I sat in class for ten hours a day discussing information that I crave that filled a part of my heart that has been craving this kind of feeding. But after a day of discussing humanitarian law, child soldiers, the UN or other uplifting topics such as torture we reflected on our days in a local pub or Thai restaurant. Friendships that are formed in a bubble that deals with these kind of topics happen quickly and are richer than words can express. Weekends were spent trying to take in all the NY sights and the exorbitant entertainment that only a city that doesn’t sleep can offer. Sleep was a rare event but an overload of passion and fun was easy to find.

To see that time end was hard. I have learned to my detriment that I can somehow distance myself well enough that goodbye’s are fairly easy to do. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that if I care too much I’m not too sure what to do. But I think it all came back to bite me. Yesterday was a day to cry. I don’t usually get over emotional about things – at least I like to think that I don’t. But for some reason yesterday I woke up and the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. It took me off guard and I’m not too sure what to do with it all. I think it’s a combination of a whole lot. The end of New York, friendship issues that feel unfinished in Calgary, seeing another year of my precious nieces lives pass me by, some personal medical issues left hanging, uncertainty of the crazy life in Darfur ahead of me, the constant question of ‘what the heck am I doing’ in my mind as I head back and the pressure of the big ‘30’ coming up and feeling like I should have more to show for my life are some of the things that seemed so overwhelming yesterday. So I cried, and cried, and cried.

So as I sit here on the plane and reflect I realize the extremes that I have gone through in the last couple of months. They have all had their purpose and I feel richer for have experienced them all. But it’s back to life and all the work that awaits me. It will be great to get back to what I think is normal. I miss my room, my staff, my friends and all the adventures that await me. I wish I could have loved every minute back in Canada a bit more but I know that the time I did soak up will keep me going until the next time.